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Then I had to graduate to the more obscure stuff. I got my thousand-yard stare. "There are one hundred glow-stars on my bedroom ceiling. I've heard a lot of screams over the twelve years I've been addicted to video games. It wasn't just our morals that were at odds, there were little character differences, too. Tracer fucked on the beach club. Often, I thought it was creepy to feel this fear in such a seductive place. For the first time, I was terribly afraid.

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Only a self-induced sexual climax had the capacity to obliterate the future, and the unspeakable dread of it that dwelled in my heart. If i could stop the world and restart life, put the clock back, i think I'd restart it like this. Flying kick, leg-sweep, spin attack, head-bite. I mean... do we have to talk about this right now? But I do think about Thailand sometimes. I smoke a little dope.

I hate littering, let alone littering in a protected Marine park. I'd have done something else. I like the way that sounds. Tracer fucked on the beach resort. Along the road, night and day, a stream of ambulances came with their freight: the gravely hurt, the paralyzed, the amputees, the head-trauma cases, and the other wreckage from what had turned out to be a mammoth land battle. It isn't that from then on every second in Thailand was bad. Before, if I was talking to you, you would always listen. I was so fucking scared, there on Saipan.

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I'm sure that this moment provides a rare insight into the way people react just before they really do die. Actually, I should qualify that. For while the warrior in me—the self-consciously ballsy kid who'd joined the Marines for the glamour and the danger—lamented not having seen action, there was another, more sensible part of myself that felt immense relief at this reprieve. "I'd only query the tense. At those times I make an effort to remember sitting in the glade with the shadow of the clock-hand branch lying across the ferns, smoking my cigarette. We joked, God how we joked—we joked all the time about our future trial—but this was a form of wisecracking, smart-ass bravado, cheap banter. Not like a Nazi POW camp commandant who appreciates english poetry and says things like 'you know, we are much alike, you and I I'. He knows he's fucked. It's hard to explain. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. Tracer fucked on the beach house. Beatin' your meat again, Veneris! Leo takes the initiative. I looked at her in astonishment '… Are you serious? Jesus, I thought, they'd probably even be getting sex that was air-conditioned.

The beach was still littered with the jagged metal junk from the American assault the previous summer, although you could always, with caution, pussyfooting among the rocks and debris, find a decent enough spot for swimming. If something seems strange, you question it; but if the outside world is too distant to use as a comparison then nothing seems strange. "Though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am the evilest motherfucker in the valley". "Don't talk about going travelling. When you ran out of lives you'd get a photo-realistic picture of the Alien with saliva dripping from its jaws, and a digitized voice would bleat, 'Game over, man! He sends off a fireball to force Theo into blocking, then jumps in with a flying kick to knock Blanka's green head off.

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For exactly the same reason I don't travel with a camera. I've got a lot on my mind. The only missing element was a Doors soundtrack. 'You are not listening to me!

"transparent evasion exercises. I get confused between the feeling that I shouldn't haggle with poverty and getting ripped off". Glow-stars are strange. Was theirs as nearly unbearable as mine, this dread that wrapped me in a blanket woven of many clammy hands?

"You fish, swim, eat, laze around, and everyone's so friendly. But I'm not a professional, so, you know, seek out a second opinion. The cavalcade was hypnotic to watch and just as harrowing. Usually late at night, when I've been awake long enough to see the curtain patterns through the darkness and the shapes of the books on my shelves. Our presence was intended to draw the Japs off balance while our two other divisions went ashore (unopposed, as it turned out) on the western beaches.

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